is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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