So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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