this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
