Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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