i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
