After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
