Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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