u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
