No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
