Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
