my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
