i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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