I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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