Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
