just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
