He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
