we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
