Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
