i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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