i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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