why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
People in love make me want to vomit
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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