I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
