It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
worst night to have a conscience
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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