Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
