I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
