he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize