My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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