Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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