New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
