my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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