I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
MIDGETS
????
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
