Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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