I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
