my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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