Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
