Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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