so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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