Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
