He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
