I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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