Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
