The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
