Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
