I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
drinking out of a sandbucket again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
