I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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