My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
