Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
