I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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