Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
