Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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