you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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