Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
