Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
