Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
