Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
