and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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