According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you never un-have a 4some
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
