My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
