I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
