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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize